Crap Joke fred.

[rowan]

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says: "I'm afraid we don't serve mushrooms here."
"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A skeleton goes into a bar. He orders a pint of beer and a mop.

A brain goes into a pub and says: "Pint of lager." The barman replies: "Sorry mate, you're out of your head already."

A man with Alzheimer's walks into a bar and asks the barmaid: "Do I come here often?"

[Discreet Hooker]

~ Words you may have thought you knew the meaning of : ~


~ Dogma ~ Bitch
~ Pastrami ~ The art of meat folding
~ Eerie ~ Bit like an ear
~ Goonerhea ~ Deaf woman
~ Archaic ~ Benefit concert for Jonah
~ Unkempt ~ Process by which Spandau Ballet broke up
~ Maisonette ~ Tiny Free Mason
~ Cirencester ~ An intimate ancient family
~ Basturd ~ Fish excrement
~ Impeccable ~ Bird Proof
~ Torquay ~ A geordies Xmas dinner
~ Lazy ~ French siesta
~ Metabolics ~ What Metaphysics students think of their subject
~ Dictaphone ~ Someone you don't want a call from .

[onlynameleft]

David Beckham walks into a pub and sits at the bar. Suddenly he hears someone saying, "you look nice David, lost a bit of weight? Lovely trousers you have on" He looks down and ca see the peanuts are speaking to him.
Then a voice coming form the fag machine shouts "Oi, Beckham you're a tw&t, and your wife is ugly"
He mentions this to the barman who say "Yeah, the peanuts are complementary but the cigarette machine is out of order"

[Galfon]

a pick n'mix of naff & somewhat obscure country name jokes, with a definite crap ring about them..

My wife's just gone away east..
Russia ?
No, she took her time.

My wife's just gone to the Carribean.
Jamaica ?
No, she went on her own accord.

My wife's just gone to the Horn of Africa.
Abyssinia ?
OK, bye.

We went property hunting in the Gulf.
Dubai ?
No, too pricey.

We're going on a combined cruise/safari holiday.
Kenya ?
Yes, just book on-line.

We're off to study crop growing in indonesia.
Bali ?
No, rice..

We've just got back from a nudist camp in East Africa.
Uganda ?
Yes, when I could.

Just got relocated to the Far East.
A Korea move ?
No, same job.

I'm going to see ancient monuments in the Middle East.
Syria's ?
Yeah - straight up..

My lad's got an I.T. job in Indonesia.
Java ?
No, C++ mainly.

You're invited to the Burmese Embassy for a meal this Saturday.
You mean Myanmar ?
Of course, bring your Dad too..

[Galfon]

78 in and no jokes about poo ?.. odd for a crap joke channel..scope for some Brownian motion:

Patient: 'I've had a problem going to the toilet for several weeks now Doctor.'
Doc: 'Any pain or discomfort ?'
Patient: 'None at all.'
Doc: 'Any diarrhoea or constipation ?'
Patient: 'No, perfectly normal.'
Doc: 'Any noticable blood or discolouraton of your stools ?'
Patient: 'No, all normal.'
Doc: 'Have you been regular ?'
Patient: 'Like clockwork Doctor, every morning at 7 o'clock without fail !'
Doc: 'So what exactly is the problem ?'
Patient: 'I don't wake up until 7.30...'

[Galfon]

What's brown and sounds like a bell ?
'Dung..'

Why are turds tapered ?
So your arse doesn't shut with a bang..

What do you get if you cross a tortoise with a poo ?
A turdle..

[Galfon]

A schoolgirl enjoyed her end of school prom, hooked up with a lad she fancied and brought him home for a bit more action.
Just as things were hotting up on the sofa, he said he needed to go to the toilet.
Fearful of him waking her strict parents upstairs, she told him to use the kitchen sink and just run the tap a bit.
He disappeared into the kitchen and after a few minutes popped his head around the door with a relieved look on his face:
'Have you got any paper ?..'

[Galfon]

A termite walks into a bar..
' Is the bartender here.?...'

A man walked into a bar and asked for some
helicopter flavoured crisps.
Barman: 'Sorry, we only have plain..'

Mr. Past, Mrs. Present and Miss Future walked into a bar and sat down together to have drinks.
It was a tense evening.

[Spiffy]

Three vampires walk into a bar. The barman appears and asks for their orders.
First vampire : I'll have a pint of blood please.
Second vampire : sounds good - I'll have the same.
Third Vampire : Ahh.. - I'm feeling a bit under the weather tonight. I'll just have a pint of plasma.
Barman : OK. So that's two bloods and a blood light.

[Spiffy]

Bloke walks into a bar on the Falls Road in Belfast, leading a crocodile on a length of rope.
"Do you serve Protestants here?"
"Yes sir - we certainly do."
"Grand - I'll have a pint of stout and a Protestant for the croc."

[SerjeantWildgoose]

Bloke walks into a bar on the Falls Road in Belfast, leading a crocodile on a length of rope.
"Do you serve Protestants here?"
"Yes sir - we certainly do."
"Grand - I'll have a pint of stout and a Protestant for the croc."

Yer not that up til date with yer local news Bro. After what Arlene said about the Shinners, any mention of crocodiles on the Falls is likely to lead to a permanent limp.

[Galfon]

A Nun is taking a bath and there's a knock on the bathroom door.
'Who is it ?..' she enquires.
' It's the blind man from the village..' was the reply.
'Oh that's OK, come in..' she said.
' Luvvly jubblies m'dear !..where do you want the blind ?.'

[Galfon]

A duck walked into a bar, and said to the barnan 'I'd like to buy some peanuts.'
'sorry', replied the barman,'we don't sell peanuts.'
The duck left, but returned next day and said 'I want to buy some peanuts..'
barman 'I've already told you, we don't sell peanuts!..'
The duck left, but returned again next day and said,
'I want to buy some peanuts..'
barman (exasperated): 'I've told you, we don't sell peanuts! If you ask again I'll nail you to the wall!'
The duck left, returned next day, and asked the barnan ''do you have any nails ?..'
barman: 'sorry, we don't have any nails.'
duck: 'do you have any peanuts?'..

[Discreet Hooker]

Sister Teresa was a sad old nun who'd been at Portsmouth Nunnery for nearly forty years . In her advanced years she had taken to swearing much to the annoyance of the nuns and Mother Superior . She was also known to enjoy a drink and wander around the old towns bars . A meeting was held amongst the other nuns hoping to deal with the problem . It was decided that at the next meal time if Sister Teresa swore , all the nuns would leave the room and perhaps she could see the error of her ways . Next mealtime Sister Teresa walk into the dining room and says " I see the fucking American Fleets in . !" All the nuns and mother superior stood up and left the room . Sister Teresa looked around and said " I don't know what the fucking rush is for , they're here for a fucking week ."

[Galfon]

Two Nuns, Sister Teresa and Sister Mary, were sitting in a park on a summer's afternoon sharing a flask of tea and enjoying the sunshine.
They were not aware of the student naked fun-run that had been organised for charity that afternoon.
One large chap jogged past their bench and took them quite by surprise.
So much so, this caused Teresa to have a stroke.
Mary was a bit further away and was unable to reach.

[Galfon]

A man suffering from dementia walked into a pub and asked a girl at the bar,
'Do I come here often ?..'

[rowan]

A man suffering from dementia walked into a pub and asked a girl at the bar,
'Do I come here often ?..'

They're even worse when repeated. Scroll up

[Galfon]

O the irony..
good to see you're on the ball Rowan...!

Barman: Have you ever smelt moth-balls ?
R.: Yes, horrible I thought.
Barman: I can imagine; but how did you get the little legs open ?

[Galfon]

Two ramblers were crossing a field at the highest point of the moors when they came across an old ventilation shaft connected to a disused tunnel below.
'That must be quite deep - I wonder how far it goes..how can we find out?' asked the first rambler.
'I know, let's drop a heavy object and time it, see when it hits the bottom!' said his friend, 'we could use that long block of wood over there..'
They carried it to the opening, set the stopwatch and let it drop.
Just then they heard bellowing, snorting and the thunder of hooves as a huge angry bull charged straight for them.
In the nick of time they both evaded the beast as he proceeded to dive headlong down the shaft.
After a short while they heard a thud and a roar then silence.
'Well that's one way of doing it' said one, 'my watch reset itself as I fell and I reckon that makes it 250 ft.!!.impressive eh ?.'
A bemused and worried farmer then appeared, 'Has anyone seen Bertie my prize bull ??' he asked, 'I keep him in this field but he seems to have disappeared...mind you, he can't have got far- i've got him tied to an old railway sleeper...'

[canta_brian]

When my mother was giving birth, the midwife had to use forceps to pull my head out of her fanny.

That's how eager I was to see my kid sister

[morepork]

two nuns were sharing a bath. One says, "where's the soap"? The other replied, "yes it does, doesn't it?"

[rowan]

I take it all back. This thread has indeed surpassed the Random Funny Images thread in terms of its mournful unfunniness. Congratulations on your workmanship, gentlemen!

[Galfon]

A steward at the World Athletics Championships went over to an athlete in the warm-up area for field events and asked:
'Excuse me sir, are you a Pole-vaulter ?'
Athlete: ' Yes I am from Poland, but how did you know my name was Walter ?..'

[canta_brian]

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages.

For example, in China a dog makes a sizzling noise.

[Discreet Hooker]

On the animal noise themes , if you pour petrol on a cat , ignite it , it goes " Woooooof .!"