Worst All Blacks XV

[Lizard]

Inspired by the English board thread, I thought I'd select them some opposition. I’ve applied a selection criteria of at least 1 start in the position since 1995, and tried to not unfairly put players out of position:

1. Jamie Mackintosh
2. Derren Witcombe
3. Kees Meeuws
4. Ross Filipo
5. Jared Hoeata
6. Andrew Blowers
7. Mark Carter
8. Paul Henderson
9. Steve Devine
10. Mike Delaney
11. Anthony Tuitavake
12. Lee Stensness
13. Tamati Ellison
14. Scott Hamilton
15. Adrian Cashmore

Feel free to suggest alternatives. Tighthead and fullback were surprisingly hard to fill. We’ve had a wealth of middling loose forward/lock type players (including a few captains around the turn of the century). Similarly, there’ve been quite a few “fuck-it-he’ll-do” selections in the mid-field. Ant Strachan can consider himself unlucky not to make the side, but he played mostly before ’95.

[padprop]

1) Tim Payne
2) Matt Cairns
3) Paul Doran-Jones/ Duncan Bell
4) Louis Deacon
5) Steve Borthwick/ Mouritz Botha
6) Phil Dowson
7) Richard Pool-Jones
8) Jordan Crane

9) Paul Hodgson
10) Andy Goode
11) Big Lesley
12) Ayoola Erinle
13) Joel Tomkins
14) Mark Van Gisbergen
15) Ugo Monye

An absolute cripple fight no doubt. Forward packs are equally dire, but I'd rather have you're front row. Meeuws got near to 50 caps didn't he?

Oddly I think we might have the edge in the backs, as whilst the england backline is awful, the majority of them have flashes of brilliance that saw most of them get picked, especially Lesley Vainokolo and Erinle.

Saying that, all you have to do is kick it to Monye and you would have won.

[Lizard]

Yes, Meeuws got a lot of caps but was part of a very average front row at a time our set piece was a shambles. I'm possibly being a bit unfair as the boots he filled were previously Olo Brown's.

[cashead]

Feel free to suggest alternatives.

1. Jamie Mackintosh
2. Aled de Malmanche
3. Campbell Johnstone
4. Bryn Evans
5. Isaac Ross
6. Sione Lauaki
7. Sam Harding
8. Sam Broomhall
9. Brendon Leonard
10. Mike Delaney
11. Lelia Masaga
12. Lee Stensness
13. Isaia Toeava
14. Scott Hamilton
15. Ben Atiga

de Malmanche was just a complete waste of space, selected for mysterious reasons in 2009 and did fuck-all.

Johnstone sure was there, I guess.

Evans' selection is similar to de Malmanche. I guess Henry took a punt on him and, welp.

Ross was scapegoated a bit in 2009, but fuck it, he sucked.

Lauaki was a fucking dumpsterfire of a loose forward. Lazy as balls, and always anonymous in a black jersey. One good quarter off the bench does not a test career make.

Sam Harding pretty much exemplifies why Otago and by extension the Highlanders were a shitty shit for much of the 2000s. They traded him for McCaw. Good call there, boys.

Sam Broomhall... uhhhhhh.....

Brendon Leonard was a sucky halfback. He had a hot streak in 2007 and then he was just garbage after that. Awful. Terrible hair too.

Masaga was a fine provincial player, but his skills were already out of style by the time he got a chance at test rugby.

Toeava is/was a hugely talented player, that could slot in anywhere in 11, 14 or 15. At 13 though, he was often nervous, and clearly out of his depth. He wasn't helped by spending a chunk of that time there after Umaga left huge boots to fill, and as soon as he was dropped for Conrad Smith, the ABs were better for it.

Atiga was a fine provincial/Super Rugby player, but his selection exemplifies greater issues surrounding him - namely, Mitchell and Deans' poor interpersonal skills and refusal to call up an in-form Christian Cullen in 2003.

[Lizard]

I excluded AdM from consideration as he never started a test. His otherwise mystifying selection can only be explained by being the last of the utility front rowers, allegedly covering prop. Johnstone was also a sub only, but fair call.

I have 0 recollection of Bryn Evans playing but I'm sure he only subbed. Isaac Ross at least seemed to try, Filipo appeared (rightly) to treat mere selection as the pinnacle of his career and not bother trying to prove himself any further.

Your loosies - Same shit, different era.

Leonard I think suffered from being a "fourth loose forward" as that style was going out of fashion. Not really his fault.

Masaga - sure, valid choice.

I'll admit to leaving Toeava as I thought my views on him were unfairly biased. Terrible player, no presence of mind on the field and capped way too often. Bang on their, bro.

I toyed with Ben Atiga, but Cashmore had more opportunities to be pedestrian and by Zeus he took them.

[cashead]

I don't think Bryn Evans started a test either. He was one of those from the dark days of 2009, and he fucked up his back and was out for a while. I think he's been playing in England for a while now.

I could swap him out with Todd Blackadder, who's test career was brief and mediocre - decent provincial standard player, but lacked the physical gifts needed to truly excel at the test level (and didn't really bring the extras to the table that the similarly statured Brad Thorn did) and had the rotten luck of having to consistently go up against one of the great Wallabies lock-pairings of Dave Giffin and John Eales, who clearly out-classed him.

He's probably right up there on the list of players with the fewest test caps before being named captain (all of 2, against England who were in the middle of their Tour of Hell in 1998).

[rowan]

There were quite a few Aucklanders from the shamateur era, when simply playing in the Auckland region at that time seemed to guarantee you a spot in the ABs. I think a real superiority complex prevailed, engendered by the arrogance of one John Hart following the World Cup success. John Schuster was a vastly superior inside center to Bernie McCahill, but was played out of the All Blacks trials with incessant skip passes and McCahill got the spot among most of his Auckland team-mates for the inaugural World Cup. But probably the worst player I ever saw in an All Blacks jersey was Jeremy Stanley - son of 'Smokin' Joe - who seemed only to be there on a whim of Harty's. He was embarrassingly below par with some of his passing bordering on the diabolical. Andrew Blowers had to have been one of the most over-rated players ever, due partly to the fact he resembled Michael Jones in some respects (not the important ones), and also to the fact he played for Auckland - whose media gushed over him, naturally. I covered an NZ Colts match Blowers played in once and noted his lack of efficiency in certain areas of the game, only to read a glowing report on his play in the Auckland press the next morning. This, incidentally, was shortly before an All Blacks squad to tour SA was named - and guess who showed up in the squad... Okay, just to keep the Auck-bashing in check, I'll mention another player from my home province: one Chris Tregaskis. Remember that guy? Toured Argentina with Grizz Wylie's All Blacks, though he was struggling to hold down a place in the Wellington team at the time. He basically had one major attribute and one only - he was about 6'8 and there just weren't many beanpole locks around the country at the time. Going back a little further, the selection of the 6'3 Canterbury lock Andy Earl in 1986 to face a touring Wallabies side featuring the twin towers Cutler and Campbell was one of the most ludicrous decisions ever. Wellington had another beanpole at the time, Gerard Wilkinson, who had been dominating lineouts at provincial level for some years, as the Lions picked up a couple of national championships. But despite being as tall as Tregaskis and a much better player, Wilkinson never made it into the All Blacks side. As for Earl, I don't remember much about the rest of his All Blacks career.

[Lizard]

Post-1995, grandpa.

[rowan]

Well, I set out to nominate Jeremy Stanley as the worst player I ever saw in an All Blacks jersey (he was post 95 - just), and ended up on a meandering stroll down memory lane. I guess that's what happens to you when you start getting old and decrepit...

[rowan]

7. Mark Carter

Carter was undoubtedly the most-maligned All Black since Hewson. I think his Dad was running the Auckland Rugby Union at the same time he was playing for them and Harty was coaching the All Blacks and kept on selecting him. Sound slightly suspicious to you?

8. Paul Henderson

Not sure I'd agree. We're talking about the sinewy southerner here, right, nickname Ginge? If so, I thought he was a little under-rated. Nothing spectacular but a real work horse. Also, he once punched out Richard Loe. Respect!

[hugh_woatmeigh]

Aled de Malmanche was capped as Wales were sniffing around at the time (Grandparent rule) IIRC.

[morepork]

7. Mark Carter

Carter was undoubtedly the most-maligned All Black since Hewson. I think his Dad was running the Auckland Rugby Union at the same time he was playing for them and Harty was coaching the All Blacks and kept on selecting him. Sound slightly suspicious to you?

8. Paul Henderson

Not sure I'd agree. We're talking about the sinewy southerner here, right, nickname Ginge? If so, I thought he was a little under-rated. Nothing spectacular but a real work horse. Also, he once punched out Richard Loe. Respect!

Mark Carter was the epitome of NZ RAH. I went out with a fancy girl in the naughties and saw carter in all his sport jacket and jeans finery in pubs owned by John Banks wot I was forced to drink in. Replacement for Michael Jones? Bitch pleeeze.

[rowan]

A few other guys I thought of from my home province - prop Lawrence Hullena played 9 games for the All Blacks but no tests. I never rated him All Blacks quality, personally, but my expertise on the intricacies of front row play is fairly limited. Dreadlocked flanker Kupu Vanisi played a solitary test for the All Blacks but never faced another country (figure that out), while diminutive center Paul Steinmetz's test career lasted all of 12 minutes.

But we have to go back to the Baby Blacks v Wallabies series of 86 to find the player with the all-time briefest test career, and that belongs to Marty Berry, a Wairarapa pig-farmer who later represented Wellington & the Canes. He played the last 20 seconds of a test match without touching the ball! NB: Berry was a member of BJ Lochore's mighty 'Bushmen' who finished an astonishing 4th in the NPC one year behind the 3 major centers

[cashead]

Kupu Vanisi never played a test, he only played that game against "New Zealand A."

[rowan]

Kupu Vanisi never played a test, he only played that game against "New Zealand A."

It received test status. But, yeh, that's who he played.

[cashead]

Kupu Vanisi never played a test, he only played that game against "New Zealand A."

It received test status.

Nope.

http://stats.allblacks.com/asp/profile.asp?ABID=914


The only non-national side that gets test status against the ABs are the Lions.

[rowan]

Just looked myself and you are right. It wasn't a test after all. Why did I think that?

[rowan]

A couple more from the home province would be prop John Schwalger and lock Jeremy Thrush - though the latter went on to play 15 tests due to injuries in the All Blacks ranks. The late Sione Lauaki deserves a mention here too, regrettably, if mostly for that nightmare against the Wallabies when he knocked on every time he got the ball. The Chiefs' Lelia Masaga and Brendon Leonard (both mentioned already) were out of their depth for the All Blacks at wing & halfback respectively, while Canterbury's Ben Blair was just too slow for the modern fullback & flyhalf Stephen Donald was also fairly average, to be honest, despite his heroics in 2011.



RIP

[cashead]

I'd say Jeremy Thrush earned his keep in 2014.

[rowan]

Did anyone mention lock Kevin O'Neil yet? Solitary test off the bench was a loss to the Boks in 2008.

Wellington lock Dion Waller, one game for the ABS in 2001.

How about Saimone Taumaupeau, Tongan-born Auckland prop who played 3 times in the mid-2000s?

Halfback Kevin Senio, one test off the bench, also in 2005.

& Saders center Nathan Mauger was not the player his brother was.

[rowan]

Who's this guy?

[rowan]

& this? Who the hell's he?

[rowan]

This one brings back vague memories . . .

[rowan]

He made the All Blacks? Seriously?

[rowan]

Just missed the cut. . . mercifully